


don't know what to do

by TheAAngel



Category: BLACKPINK (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Gay, Humor, Hurt/Comfort, Lesbian Character, Realistic, Slow Build, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-12
Updated: 2020-08-04
Packaged: 2020-12-09 13:44:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 13,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20995772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAAngel/pseuds/TheAAngel
Summary: Lisa is pretty sure there's something wrong with her. It has nothing to do with her being gay - that's fine, being gay is normal, even if as an idol that can be complicated.It has everything to do with the fact that she's in love with three different girls. And she's pretty sure they are all straight women who consider her as nothing beyond an annoying maknae.





	1. Chapter 1

Lisa is pretty sure she is broken.

There must be something out of place inside her somewhere. A screw knocked loose by too much dancing, a gear that for some reason twists askew, something. She wonders if she shook her head hard enough, there would be any rattling. She would try, but she's watching a movie with her girls and there would be reactions.

Jennie would probably glance at her with a 'what are you doing?' poker face, before begrudgingly allowing a confused smile, which is no good for Lisa's health - she looks so cute when her face does that. Chaeyoung would ask her 'what?' and promptly start laughing, and though her tinkling laughter is one of Lisa's favorite sounds in the world, it has the power of driving her mind to places Lisa isn't comfortable with, the desire to make the other girl laugh like that often nearing the definition of an 'urge'.

And Jisoo... Might join in and copy her, or maybe 'pong' at her, or maybe scold her - Jisoo is always full of possibilities. In any way, none of their reactions, which would be caused by her and directed at her, would prove healthy for Lisa's already frayed, confused and tender thoughts.

Truthfully, it's not news. If Lisa has a screw loose, she has had it forever. Her first kiss was in middle school with a cute, sweet boy named Phat who she studied with since forever, but had never really talked to. He smelled like cologne and had the nicest smile of all boys in her year, white and straight teeth adorned with braces - not an investment many parents made, though Lisa's did, too. He had told her he liked her through a note and asked to talk in the hidden nook behind the cafeteria. Because all of Lisa's girlfriends had already kissed before, when he leaned towards her, she closed her eyes and met him halfway.

She could taste his toothpaste. His lips were soft and though it was a bit messy and uncoordinated, she didn't hate it.

When after, he asked her to be his girlfriend, she said no. Immediately. Her parents would never let her, though that wasn't the reason - or a truth, possibly, her parents were very reasonable. But how could she explain to him that aside from the nervousness of a new and awkward situation, Lisa felt nothing? Kissing him wasn't terrible, but the feeling her girlfriends had described - heart beating in your throat, a hotness that made you blush, the urge to be closer. There was none of that, not then, not with him.

Not with any of the other boys Lisa would eventually kiss, in a search for the exhilarating feeling she has heard so much about.

Though her lack of interest in boys - or, at least, in their kisses and touches - may complicate her life as an idol, it has not truly occupied Lisa's brain for long since her debut. Or at all. But it is related to a different thing altogether, an actual issue that keeps her awake at night sometimes - lately, most nights - makes her jittery and agitated, anxious and jumpy. It has even made her a bit _less_; just a little, for now. Less tactile, less close, less spontaneous with her girls.

The feelings a girl should have for a boy, the ones described at length to her by many friends, by her mother, by movies and love songs and even the music she raps and dances to most days, Lisa has felt them. Just not for boys, never for them.

Lisa feels her belly clench when Chaeyoung smiles her full grin, her chipmunk cheeks bulging as they do, and it's worse - better - when said smile is directed at Lisa, or a result of something she did. She wants to be closer whenever Jisoo is nearby, her hand goes to hold or touch her almost by instinct; whenever they walk together near fans, it simply seems to make so much sense to wave at her Blinks with Jisoo's hand - she needs to touch her, somehow.

Whenever Jennie is near and Lisa looks at her a bit too long and she looks back; serious, with her sultry eyes, or smiling her gummy grin, Lisa feels a hotness unlike the worst summer she ever lived through. It rises from her core and slides over her, from toes to roots. The worst is she can't control any of it, is unable to stop herself. The best she can do is to avoid Chaeyoung's laughter; to stand far from Jisoo; to not look too long at Jennie.

And when it comes to this, it's just the same as when Lisa attempts to win games of luck.

She sucks.

Lisa is an adult, modern woman. She knows she's gay; the type of gay that is not even a little bit bisexual. Men don't repulse her in anyway, they just don't attract her in any way, either. Women do; always have, even before she was adult and modern enough to know what being gay is. It took much longer than it should for her to figure it out. It was only a year into training, when Jennie was moved from sharing a room with her to share with Jisoo, that Lisa first wondered why it hurt so bad.

Why it felt so good, so _right_, to be near Jennie, that when she left, it was a crippling loss that she took weeks to recover from. Then, when she first let the questions exist, breathe inside her head - 'Could I have a crush on Jennie? Could I be in love with her? Could I like girls?' - it was suddenly, painfully, obvious.

Despite how sudden the discovery happened for her, being gay is mostly a non-issue for Lisa - though it does make her life harder in many ways, by living in a society that wouldn't accept her as she is - her problem is that it quickly became clear that her heart can be as big as her lack of luck. Despite a brief and superficial resentment towards Jisoo - for taking _her_ Jennie away - the older girl quickly became a dear friend and, eventually, another source of unresolved and non-reciprocated feelings.

When Chaeyoung came and there was a distinct possibility that the four of them would be in the new YG girl group, Lisa thought she was much too consumed by her unrelenting, fierce crushes on Jennie and Jisoo to develop anything of the sort for the aussie girl. She should have known better, her unluckiness knows no bounds.

Lisa is a smart girl and a quick learner. She gathered the bits and pieces of information she could about her three girls' love lives and interests; and there's no doubt to her that they are attracted to men. Jennie's recent relationship was the ultimate proof, but Lisa has known of her flings for years. Jisoo, similarly, has quietly and discretely broken the dating ban from time to time, always with pretty boys who know how to be funny and laugh at her jokes. Even Chaeyoung, by far the least interested in relationships, had a long-distance boyfriend from Australia for a couple of years.

No chance, at all, for Lisa. One, because they like men, and so Lisa lacks an important characteristic that they seem find enjoyable. Two, because, even if they were attracted to women, she's Lisa, and they are _Jennie_, _Jisoo_ and _Chaeyoung_ \- all too good for her. And third, if even, miraculously, one of them were in love with Lisa back, she doesn't think she is capable of letting go of the feelings she harbors for her other members.

It's a mess. It's such a big mess it sometimes makes Lisa despair. She can never tell them, but, as hard as she has tried - so hard, for _years_ \- she can't seem to get rid of these feelings.

They are here to stay.


	2. Chapter 2

Chaeyoung leans on Lisa's shoulder and shakes her out of her maudlin thoughts. She smells nice; they all do, and Lisa is so attuned to them she's pretty sure that she could identify them blindfolded only by their perfume. Her arm is quickly falling asleep under her friend's weight, but Lisa doesn't move it to put around the girl. Sometimes, more often recently than before, Lisa avoids getting too comfortable with her members, because the guilt that arises when she does has been getting worse.

They are her best friends, in many ways closer to her than her family, and romantic feelings or not, Lisa always wants to hug, kiss and touch them. But she fears she's getting something out of their relationship that they aren't, or that they allow her simply because they don't know what she is, or how she feels about them.

"Lisaa, your elbow is too pointy!" Chaeyoung complains. She pulls away for a moment, but before Lisa can regret the loss of contact the blonde simply pulls Lisa's arm and settles it over her shoulders, before leaning more fully on Lisa's body.

"Sorry." She mumbles, both uncomfortable with and extremely glad of the closeness. Jisoo shushes them and Jennie seems wholly focused on the movie. It isn't always that they get the opportunity to just chill together, often they have separated schedules and are too tired to hang when at home all at once. But they all had a day off yesterday and only one group photoshop for the day, so Jisoo promptly declared it should be movie night. They managed to build themselves a cozy nest with the mattress stolen from Jennie's bed - the biggest - and their fluffiest blankets, and so are comfortably lying together.  
  
They are watching an American movie, for the sake of Jisoo's English. It has Korean subtitles and occasionally someone - mostly Jennie - will explain the cultural references to her. Lisa's English isn't perfect, but it's well within parameters for a movie like this. It was Jennie's pick tonight, and she didn't choose an animation, as she tends to be the one who likes those the least. Instead, she picked a comedy, some new release with Scarlett Johansson as the lead.

It hits uncomfortably close to home for Lisa; it's about a group of tight female friends, of which one member is a lesbian and she is in love with one of her friends. She tries not to watch the girls' reaction to that storyline too closely, but can't help herself. Though she is a mix of disappointed and relieved when no one deigns it worthy of comment.

She has completely given up from trying to keep some distance from Chaeyoung by the time the movie is halfway-through. The blonde is cozily spread on top of Lisa, and spent a good amount of the movie casually playing with her hand. It's nothing out of the ordinary for any of them and Lisa pushes any uninvited thoughts away, as usual, and is mostly able to enjoy the contact for the friendly affection it's meant to be. Though it's a continuous effort, a bit like trying to hold on to sand. When she thinks she has got it, it all slips from her grasp.

The older girls are similarly stuck together; Jisoo is half-lying down with Jennie glued to her arm like a cute starfish. And she's so cute; with her chubby cheeks and small mouth, her big eyes... And Lisa catches herself before she gets too sidetracked. She pushes away all of that and tries to focus on the movie.

Denial has served her for a long time; after her initial realization, she tried telling herself she felt nothing but friendship for her members. Again and again, she would reiterate that. Being gay is one thing, she could deal with that. Those feelings that have threatened to destroy the most valued and important relationships Lisa has in life? These are just a response to her loneliness; she told herself.

Most trainees broke the dating ban at one point, and nearly all idols do as well, but after Lisa realized what she is, she never did, not for a while. So, she argued with herself that she only felt as she did because she has had no appropriated outlet for her romantic - and sexual, though she cringed when she thought about that - feelings. It would all pass once she got with someone she was actually attracted to.

Problem is, eventually, she did. It got so bad that at one point, during her trainee days still, that Lisa created an anonymous dating profile, and sneaked away to meet with another girl - after talking to her for nearly a month. She was a few months younger than Lisa and also in hiding. It helped that she was as worried of being seen and recognized as Lisa; so she didn't have to try to justify herself to the girl, who was from a conservative family and understood why discretion was important. It was also at once complicated and nice that she was as inexperienced with women as Lisa was, so they figured it out together.

Her name was Minji, she was a student trying to get into University and wanted to be a doctor, she had short black hair and a chubby face that she was self-conscious about, but Lisa found adorable. Minji was shy, but very willing to do different things and try the unexpected. Lisa found her brave, because despite her timidness she never stood quiet when she disagreed with something. When Lisa told her so, her answer was that she wished she could be like that with her family too, because she felt that with them she did nothing but hide how she felt.

Lisa does and doesn't wish the same. She would like to be open about her sexuality, their dating ban has been lifted and Lisa is the only one who has not made use of that yet, because she doesn't think she can keep a girlfriend secret from the press with the same ease her members keep their male flings.

Mostly, Lisa just wishes she could get rid of her feelings, could enjoy the closeness she has with her members with the same purity that they do, she's sure that would make it much easier for her to tell them. Even if they are too nice to ask, there would be the thought of 'are you attracted to me?' in their head, and Lisa would like to be able to tell them 'no'.

Alas, her heart is the most stubborn part of Lisa. Even while she was with Minji, even when she was fully, intensely in love with the girl, she never stopped feeling as she does for her best friends. It's like her heart knows no limits; it doesn't choose one person to love over another. It just loves them all.

Days pass, and things proceed as usual. Lisa is pulled away from Korea by other work - mostly advertising - and gets some time off to visit home, which never happens. She misses her members fiercely whenever she's away, though she rarely spends longer than a few days without seeing at least one of them, and they all talk every day.

She feels warm when she meets up with them and they tell her they missed her, hug her and spend a few hours all over her. Chaeyoung and Jisoo seem to have little to no notion about personal space, both of them are not shy at all when demonstrating affection. Jennie, as well, has her moments.

One night, when both Chaeyoung and Jisoo are out of town for their own jobs and only Lisa and Jennie are at the dorm, the older girl sneaks into Lisa's room early at night and makes herself comfortable on her bed, arm to arm with her. It's not that it never happened before; it tends to when Lisa is the only one left in the house, it's just that condition hasn't been met in nearly a year, so Jennie sleeping and being so close and intimate with her is unexpected. Jendeuki indeed, the older girl latches on Lisa's arm as soon as they both turn off their phones by mutual agreement - it warms Lisa all over, though she tells herself Jennie is here simply because she has no other option.

Lisa has always been afraid that Jennie is able to notice something weird about her, and so has kept somewhat of a distance for all the years after Jisoo came into YG. She pushes that thought away.

"Were you feeling lonely?" She asks. Jennie hums before answering.

"No, I just missed you. I barely saw you this month." Lisa is startled by that answer but tries not to show.

"You saw me more often than Jisoo and Chaeyoung, you know." She argues.

"I know, you should be here more. You work away too much, we all missed you."

Lisa stays silent for a few moments, digesting the older girl's words. She opens her mouth to speak, closes it. Opens again, unsure.

"Can I ask you something?" Lisa whispers.

"Sure."

"Don't... Don't I annoy you sometimes, unnie?" Lisa asks, finally.

Despite the cozy and relaxed setting, Jennie seems to understand the heaviness of the question instantly. She unlatches one arm to put a warm hand on Lisa's cheek and turns her face towards her. Their faces are inches apart and Lisa can feel her breath - it smells like mint, it makes Lisa dizzy.

"You never really annoy me, Lisa. You are dorky and funny, and even when I make faces at you for it, I enjoy it because you make me smile. You're just you, all the time. You are Lisa and you don't hide that."

Shame burns in Lisa's throat at the soft, earnest words. If only she knew there's so much Lisa hides, all the time. She struggles with an answer for a few seconds.

"But you are you all the time, too. You're Jennie, you can be the cutest dork one second and the hottest idol the next one. You say what you think and you show how you feel, that's very brave."

"Thank you." Jennie answers gracefully. Her hand is still on Lisa's face, and her cheek feels like it's tingling under it. The older girl moves it, and Lisa is about to let out a relieved breath when Jennie starts playing with the wisps of hair at Lisa's temple instead of moving her hand away. Lisa watches Jennie's face; it's too dark to make out anything clearly, but she can see her black eyes, how they track over Lisa's face too.

"Sometimes... Sometimes I feel like I annoy you." Lisa confesses. Jennie stops her play for a moment, before restarting.

"You don't. I'm sorry I've made you feel that way. It's just... Sometimes you're too honest, and the world is so small for us now. There's no place to escape for us, Lisa. I worry that you give away too much of yourself, I think. That the cameras take too much, and that one misstep is going to hurt you, or us. And I'm not good at protecting others. I can be mean when I'm just worried."

Jennie alternatively plays with Lisa's hair and runs a soft finger over her face. It makes it hard to think, but this conversation feels important, and so Lisa concentrates.

"I didn't know that, unnie, but I understand. When I'm afraid I can get cranky too. But you shouldn't worry about me."

"Why should I not worry about you, Lisa? You're my best friend and I love you."

Lisa's stomach twists painfully. She swallows and blinks away the sudden burning in her eyes.

"I love you too." Is all she can bring herself to say. The silence stretches on, comfortable and warm. Jennie never pulls away and neither does Lisa, so they fall asleep in each other's arms. When they awake, no distance has been put between them, and despite morning breaths and full bladders, the last word they would use to describe it is 'uncomfortable'.

After, Jennie starts sneaking into Lisa's room a bit more often. On one occasion, even while Jisoo is also at the dorm and available for cuddling. Lisa knows that if Jennie traded Jisoo's cuddles for hers, then she must not find her truly that annoying after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't promise a regular posting schedule, but shall do my best to post every week. Just know that comments really help with my motivation ;)


	3. Chapter 3

After that night with Jennie, Lisa's feelings come to a peak. She's in turns desperate for her friends' presence and forcing herself to avoid them out of guilt over how good it feels when they are near. As if she's strapped down to a carrousel spinning a thousand times per minute, she goes from holding on to Chaeyoung at every opportunity available, to stepping away from her when she's close by. Goes from jokingly kissing Jisoo and following her around like a puppy to locking herself in her room when they are both home. She varies between hopelessly staring at Jennie and begging for every bit of her attention and care, to avoiding her eyes and refusing her when she asks to go out together.

It's dizzying, most of all to Lisa, how that goes. Sometimes she can't help herself, she holds Chaeyoung, kisses Jisoo and follows Jennie around. Sometimes it all seems so intense the best she can do is push them all away. She tries to be kind about it, gives Jennie an excuse when she asks to go shopping - 'I'm tired, and I think I'm getting a headache. I'm sorry, unnie.' - pats Chaeyoung's hand instead of holding on to it as was intended when the blond extended her arm towards her, plays around with Jisoo only from a safe distance.

Lisa is sure that despite how confusing it all is for her, she has managed to hide from her members. She doesn't see Chaeyoung's hurt gaze when she pulls her hand from the other's grasp. She doesn't notice Jennie's frown when Lisa refuses her, something she never does. Lisa has no idea that Jisoo immediately knows something must be wrong when Lisa takes a step back as they make faces at each other, instead of going forward to threaten a kiss they know won't happen.

Jisoo becomes more and more concerned as she starts seeing a pattern. For a few days Lisa seems fine, her usual clingy, bubbly self. Then it seems like a switch clicks and the youngest becomes subdued and sad. Lisa covers it up well and if it were anyone else Jisoo wouldn't think anything about her behavior. But it's Lisa, and she should be rolling around with Chaeyoung and choosing Jennie for everything even when Jennie rarely chooses her and she should be playing around with Jisoo and not locked in her room or pretending to do something on her phone.

And then, after a few days of this sad, strange Lisa, the switch turns on again and they are all back to normal. It goes on for a while and seems to be getting worse; the highs are higher and when Lisa is clingy it's like she's in pain whenever away from her members, the lows are lower and some days Jisoo doesn't see Lisa at all even if they are in the same place, separated only by a stubborn door that remains locked when Jisoo calls out to Lisa - 'I'm sleepy, unnie, I don't want to watch a movie now' or 'I'm playing and I want to stay in for now' or no answer at all, but Jisoo is sure not even Lisa can sleep through the raucous she can make when determined.

Lisa accepts more and more jobs, some that don't even pay as well and a couple that take her far away for days and days. Even in their group chat there's an emptiness that used to be filled by Lisa sending dumb memes and cute gifs that Chaeyoung always answered with laughs, Jisoo with more memes and gifs and that had Jennie laughing or smiling at in real life, even if she usually ignored them online.

And so, Jisoo goes from feeling worried about Lisa and unsure how to ask what's wrong, to being angry at how difficult she can be sometimes. One day - that has become rare recently - when Jisoo and Lisa are both together in a hotel while their members went to work; Lisa locks herself away in her room after mumbling something about sleep. Jisoo is near fuming at that, how they had talked about using this free time to explore and Lisa just threw that away in one of her moods, again.

She knows calling for her is useless, so she parks herself armed with her cellphone so she can play games in the living room, right in front of Lisa's door. All rooms have bathrooms, but Lisa has to come out eventually for food. After a couple of hours of patiently waiting, Jisoo is rewarded by the sound of a door opening.

"Jisoo." Lisa says, surprised. She's in her pajamas, face unwashed and hair a mess - very unlike how she usually, even at home, is the one who always has some makeup on and combed hair.

Jisoo wastes no time. She jumps on her feet and walks toward the younger girl.

"Lisa." She says. "We are going out to explore right now. Go change clothes and get ready." She orders.

Lisa's mouth opens and closes like a fish, Jisoo holds back a smile.

"But-but unnie-"

"No buts, Lisa. You promised you would go with me and I want to go now, so let's go!" She is firm. But at Lisa's dejected and unsure posture, she softens. "Come on, it will be fun. We can get something sweet to eat, anything you want."

Lisa looks at her suspiciously. "You will let me choose?"

Jisoo ignores the fact she always lets Lisa choose, even if it's the four of them and Jennie seems to always want the opposite of what Lisa does, Jisoo knows and asks for what Lisa chose instead, as if it's her own will. Even if she dislikes sweets and would take chicken over most things any day.

"Sure, now go get ready." But instead of turning away to go to her room and dress as well, she follows Lisa.

The girl looks at her a bit confused. "Don't you have to get dressed too?"

"No, I'm going in pajamas." Jisoo deadpans. Lisa stares at her and for a moment, it's a competition. But of course Lisa is the one who cracks, with a smile that spreads on her face.

"You could pull off pajamas."

"Of course I could, but you can't. Now chop chop, what do you want to wear?"

And so Jisoo helps Lisa pick out an outfit. She notices there's something strange about how Lisa behaves rigidly, shyly. She always had a timid side to her, this girl who has unmatched stage presence but came to live in a foreign country at 14 not knowing the language at all - some things never leave you, and Lisa will always have a bit of that shy, innocent girl who was swallowed up by a fast and competitive world she could barely understand.

But this is different, the way Lisa turns away from Jisoo as she dresses herself as quickly and economically as she can, a longing look towards the bathroom. She was always self-conscious about her appearance, especially her skinny body, but she never tried to hide from Jisoo or the other girls, not since the very beginning when they still didn't know each other well.

But Jisoo ignores it all, and when the other is ready, makeup done by Jisoo herself, she pulls Lisa towards her room so that the youngest can help her get dressed as well - and Lisa behaves even more strangely, avoiding Jisoo's gaze and turning her head away as she changes. However, at last, they get ready to go.

They are all in Tokyo for some advertising work, one with them all and a few different ones for each. It's a huge, bright city and as often as they have been here before, there's always more to explore. Jisoo is sure if she had two entire lifetimes reserved for that, it still wouldn't be enough. And so they go to a mall, then to a market, to a park and after to the cinema - she's glad that throughout that, particularly after Jisoo honors her promise and they share a huge bowl of ice cream, Lisa brightens up more and more, until sad Lisa is nearly an unconceivable memory.

They also are not recognized at all, which is a definite plus - as much as she loves her Blinks, their presence is usually a mark that their privacy has ended, as they communicate so fast that when one finds them, so do any others also in the area.

Lisa asks to check out a vintage clothing store they pass in front of, and though Jisoo is, at last, getting tired herself and hates shopping, she relents. When they step in, there's a girl wearing fashionable but old-styled clothes organizing the racks near the door. Lisa stops walking all of sudden, in front of her. Jisoo looks in askance, but is interrupted when the girl - who must work at the store - looks at them and her eyes widen.

"Lisa." The girl says in a breath. At first, Jisoo is disappointed, as she thinks they have been recognized, though she imagines she can maybe try to convince this fan to keep their presence here a secret. But the thought this young girl is a fan is quashed by Lisa's face, shock and something like longing on her expression.

"Minji." Lisa says, making it clear that she must know this woman, and by how they are looking at each other, know her well.

"Hi." The other says, in Korean. Jisoo simply watches, puzzled.

"Hello." Lisa answers, though her voice sounds tight. The girl, Minji, seems to notice Jisoo's presence. Her stare when she looks at her is the weirdest, resigned and sad.

"You must be Jisoo." She declares, there's pain in her voice. She looks back at Lisa. "How are you? It has been a while."

It takes Lisa a moment to answer.

"I'm fine, how are you?"

Minji gives her a sardonic smile. "Very well, as you can see."

"You work here?" Lisa asks.

"Yes."

"Oh."

Minji smiles again, this time amused. She has white, straight teeth, and the expression lights her face. She's really pretty, Jisoo thinks, a pang of something unidentifiable stinging in her at the thought.

"I'm also a student at the University of Tokyo, so I am doing okay." She adds.

"Oh." Lisa seems surprised. "So you managed to get in? Are you studying medicine?"

Minji laughs, Jisoo and Lisa unfreeze slightly at that.

"No, heck no. I'm studying art."

"Really?" Lisa smiles, and though it is wide, there's sadness on her face. "I'm glad. I remember how much you loved drawing. You were incredible at it too."

"Thank you." There's silence for a moment. Jisoo can't help but keep looking back and forth between the two women, bewildered at the interaction and the charged intimacy of it.

"I see you are doing okay, too." Minji continues. "I was happy when I saw you had debuted."

"Yeah." Is Lisa's only answer.

Jisoo can't stop herself anymore, she breaks the silence.

"How do you know each other?"

Lisa and Minji seem startled at the question. Jisoo nearly misses it, but manages to catch how Minji looks at Lisa in askance and her friend minutely, subtly, shakes her head. Jisoo feels herself getting frustrated, it's as if she's staring at a math problem that has been eluding her, as she watches them interact.

"I met Minji when I went to play games at Hongdae one day. It was a holiday and you and Jennie had gone home, Rosie had... A friend to meet. I didn't want to be alone in the dorm, so I went out. Ended up making a friend." She smiles slightly at Minji, who smiles a sad smile back.

"We were close friends, for a while. But then things got in the way. I was studying all the time to get into University and Lisa was... Well, training, as I'm sure you know. So we haven't talked in a while." Minji finishes. "It's nice to see you again."

"It's nice to see you, too." Lisa answers. "I'm happy you're doing what you love."

"Thank you, I'm happy you are, too." And then Minji looks at Jisoo for a moment too long, and it's so strange to her how this whole interaction should make sense, but doesn't. Not a lick of it. "I hope you get what you wanted when we last talked."

Lisa recoils as if the last phrase was an attack. Jisoo steps forward, frowning towards the girl.

"I-I'm not sure what you are talking about." She answers, but Jisoo is sure she does, or how could she look so wounded by it?

"I mean it, Lisa. You deserve to be happy." Minji says and it gets Jisoo a bit less defensive.

Until Lisa answers and her voice is thin, weak. Like it always is when she's trying not to cry.

"I-I need to go. You deserve the best too, Minji. I'm happy for you." And then she turns around and leaves the store.

Jisoo is frozen for a single moment, staring at this stranger who seems to mean so much to Lisa, who looks back at her with sad eyes.

"Go after her." She says, and it finally snaps Jisoo out of her perplexment. She turns around and follows after Lisa, with no further words to this woman who appeared to suddenly shake what had, so far, been a near-perfect day.

When she catches up to her friend, she finds her crying. Bitter tears sliding down her face to drip over her Gucci shirt, carrying down make up that is sure to stain the expensive shirt. Lisa seems not to care a bit, neither does Jisoo. She's so confused and scared by the situation she doesn't even ask, as she has no idea what questions to form to try and make sense of what just happened. Jisoo simply calls for a cab and gets them back to the hotel as quickly as possible. By the time they make it back, Lisa has stopped crying, but Jisoo is terrified by how defeated the girl looks, face red and tear-stained and shoulders slumped. Even if she has no idea where to start, she's convinced to make Lisa talk to her.

But she can't. She can barely get one word out of Lisa, who just seems... Empty. Like someone pulled all her strength from her and left nothing. When Jisoo hugs her she doesn't hug back, only stays pliable and lax in her arms. Jisoo tries asking questions, gets louder and louder when Lisa doesn't answer. Until, finally, she feels exhausted herself, and slumps beside her friend.

"You're scaring me, Lisa." She tells her softly.

"I'm sorry." Lisa answers. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine. Please let me help."

Lisa seems about to deny, but changes her mind.

"I will be okay, I just need some time."

"Who was that girl to you? Why did you get like this after seeing her?" Jisoo asks, for what feels like the thousandth time.

Lisa opens her mouth to parrot the same empty answer again, but stops herself.

"She was a dear friend. I hadn't noticed how much I missed her until we saw her today. It just hurts, that we stopped being... Friends."

"Why did you stop?"

"It's complicated."

"Can't you be friends again?" Jisoo still doesn't understand it. She especially doesn't understand how her heart hurts at the way Lisa talks about that woman, or how it stings at the idea that she might become a part of Lisa's life again.

"No, Jisoo. She has her life and I have mine. I made my choice, now I have to live with it."

"And what choice was that?" Jisoo asks.

Lisa turns to look at her, her gaze heavy. There's a long moment of silence.

"The wrong one."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a heavier one, guys, but it drives the plot forward. Please let me know what you think.


	4. Chapter 4

Lisa quietly watches as rain pours heavily from the gloomy gray sky, as thick as a shower spray. They have a concert later this evening, and though the stage is protected, the audience isn't. It's just their luck, truly, bad weather follows Blackpink around. Or maybe just Lisa.

It has been easy, the last few days after seeing Minji in Tokyo, for Lisa to convince herself badness and unluckiness follow her everywhere. Even as she thinks it, she knows it's self-pitying and credulous, but it's easier to convince herself it must be luck, destiny, or some unseen, higher force Lisa has no control over that has gotten her where she's at now.

Responsibility over the choices that led her to this moment – sitting by a gray, chilled widow, alone and glum – rests on her shoulders, a burden that feels worthy of Sisyphus.

Lisa is not used to being alone. She was always an active, friendly child; she had plenty of friends and got through many playdates and sleepovers in her childhood. She parted from her family and came to Korea a young teen, and after that was never alone.

The dorms housed all female trainees, and all rooms were shared. She trained all day with friends and acquaintances. She slept at night surrounded by other girls, mostly friends, a few friendly rivals, all sharing similar dreams and anxieties.

She never lacked someone to talk to, even if only about the weather or some inconsequential thing. There was always some warmth from human presence, even if at times she didn't have the companionship of friendship and intimacy.

Even after debut, with the trap of fame closing more and more and isolating her to a select number of people she could trust to be around, there was always someone. Her members, her family, even the YG staff. Lisa has never been alone, not for long, not truly, her whole life.

The feeling squeezing her chest so tightly seems like a concrete, physical phenomena. Lisa can only name it as loneliness. That day in Tokyo, she realized something that changed everything for her. A truth that kicked her world out of its axes, that knocked her breath away and hasn't still allowed it back.

Seeing Minji, beautiful, shy, intelligent Minji. She, who could never leave her family, never leave Korea, who would study medicine dutifully and be a good girl – one who Lisa loved, so much – was in a different country, studying what she loved, being who she wanted to be. Lisa, who had so many dreams, who was and is seen as bold, who fought so hard to be where she is, is not where she actually wants to be.

It's been over four years now since she and Minji broke up, and the younger girl not only achieved what she wanted to, she did better: she got what her heart truly desired. Lisa achieved what she wanted as well; she debuted, she's a successful idol. But what her heart ached for, begged for, dreamed of – it never got. At this point, even if it hurts to think about, she knows, absolutely knows, it never will.

Truthfully, she always knew that. There was never a way for anything good to come out of this situation, of Lisa's feelings – wrong, dirty, bad – but a small part of her held on to some impossible hope, held on to these feelings that were as cherished and beautiful as they were hated and unwanted. Or maybe it was simple masochism on her part, to dream impossible things.

Either way, here she is, a poor excuse of a person, a less-than-poor excuse of a friend. Her members have been after her the whole day, asking for things Lisa can't give anymore, afraid she will lose herself if she tries.

Chaeyoung texted to go to her room to hang out and talk about anything and everything, to be near. Jisoo called earlier to invite her to explore the neighborhood, or perhaps Vlive together. Jennie got as far as knocking on Lisa's door to ask her if she would like to have lunch together, since she's in the room over. Lisa turned them all down. Every invite, every plea, every gesture of friendship.

She's aware she can't avoid them forever, soon she will come down to leave with them, to get ready for their concert. Rehearsal earlier wasn't fun at all; she felt stiff and awkward, flinching away from her members' touch, ducking to hide from their gaze. She tried to smile and liven up when Jisoo's concern was enough that the oldest pulled Lisa aside to ask what was going on, but it all just felt wrong. It's all wrong, all of her.

But she's trying to fix it, herself, somehow. Her feelings must go, they have to, they are unwelcome, unwanted, unwarranted. They are an ugly, pervasive, painful disease Lisa has allowed to grown in her for too long.

Before she notices, tears start running down her face. Again. It doesn't matter how many times Lisa has cried herself to exhaustion the past few days, there are always more tears to come. In a way, it's a mourning process. Lisa is resolute about doing all she can to let go of her romantic feelings towards Chaeng, Jennie and Jisoo. At the same time that doing so is painful, as it means pulling away from the girls themselves, it's also simply sad.

Lisa is letting go of something that was torturous, yes, but also cherished. Something that kept her warm in solitary nights and gave her happiness each time she was with her girls. But it has to be done. She knows she can't go on as she has been. She must let it go before it finishes destroying her, or worse, before it destroys the relationships she has with her best friends.

So, when they are on their way to the avenue for the show and Chaeng sits beside her, Lisa keeps her hands to herself, rigid in the attempt of not touching the blonde girl. When Jennie hugs her during the show, as she sometimes does, Lisa smiles and pulls away as quickly as possible. The next day, when Jisoo tries to lace arms as they walk through the airport, Lisa subtly, gently puts distance between them. Each time, it hurts like a raw wound being poked at.

But Lisa tells herself it will be better, it has to be.

* * *

  
  


Chaeyoung is confused when she wakes up to find nothing short of a hundred notifications on her cellphone. She blearily blinks herself awake, opening her messages to see what the fuss is about. She's half expecting them to be from her family chat – her parents can get enthusiastic about the most random things, and her sister is worse.

Or maybe they are from the group she has with her members, though that one has been a little dead for a while now – if she stops to think about it, she will be worried again, because Chaeng knows the group is dead because Lisa has stopped posting memes and sending random funny pictures of herself.

It turns out to be a new chat group. One with only Jisoo, Jennie and herself, that someone – she guesses Jisoo – named 'maknae intervention – HIDE FROM L***'. She rolls her eyes so hard she's surprised they don't fall out, but has a smile on her lips from Jisoo's shenanigans until she finally starts reading the messages.

Jisoo opens with a text: '_Hello, I created this group because we need to talk about Lisa. She's been acting weird and is moping around and won't tell me why._'

Jennie: '_I've noticed it too. I'm worried about her. It's been nearly a month since she last sent a meme in the group. It's freaking me out_.'

Then the two of them fall in an intercalated narration of all the strange interactions they have had with Lisa recently, of which most of the massages are comprised. There are many, which include everything from '_she hasn't threatened to kiss me in a month!_' and '_she pulled away when I hugged her_' to '_she has been eating less than usual_' and '_I caught her crying in her room the other day_' and everything in between.

As Chaeng reads the messages, she thinks about all the instances she has experienced herself. Her personal chat with Lisa hasn't been used in a week, when they used to have something to say exclusively to each other every day. Lisa has been much less physical with her as well; the last time she remembers touching the younger girl for more than a few seconds was weeks ago.

But surely Lisa would have told her if something was wrong. They tell each other everything. Every-thing. Chaeyoung can track Lisa's periods better than her own, because the girl always warns her of her PMS and loves to complain about cramps. Which, thinking of it, she hasn't been doing the past couple of months anymore.

The ping of a new message startles Chaeyoung from her thoughts.

Jennie: '_Rosie, stop lurking._'

She answers: '_Sorry, I just woke up. You guys are right, something is going on with our Lalisa._'

Jisoo: '_I was waiting for you to tell the biggest one.'_

Chaeyoung is apprehensive as she waits for Jisoo to record her audio. It goes on and on, until finally it pings in her phone at a nearly 3 minutes of length. She presses play.

'_So, when we were in Tokyo last month, Lisa was already acting weird and like a recluse, so I vowed to get her to do something with me and parked myself in front of her room_…'

Jisoo goes on, relating a confusing story about Lisa meeting someone she knows and going into a hysterical fit of tears right after, with no explanation whatsoever. And how, even though she had been strange before, she got much worse after.

Chaeng has no idea what to do with all this information. But she misses Lisa terribly; her friendship, her playfulness, and clearly so do Jennie and Jisoo. But more than that, she wants Lisa to be well, to be happy.

She asks: '_What do we do, guys?_'

Jennie: '_We need to do something, I don't know what, but I can't take seeing Lisa so sad anymore. It goes against natural laws or something_.'

Jisoo: _'I know what to do. We need to talk to her.'_

Chaeng: _'How? We have all tried asking what's wrong.'_

Jisoo: _'But we've not done it together, a united front.'_

Jennie: _'I don't want to seem like we are ganging up on her or something.'_

Jisoo: _'We won't; we should just all sit down somewhere comfy and have a talk. We need to make her feel safe and like she can trust us.'_

It hurts that it seems like Lisa doesn't, anymore. But no one voices the shared feeling.

Jennie: '_I'm worried that we have no clue what's wrong. We could make it worse._'

Chaeng: '_I agree with Jisoo, we have to try. We can be careful, we won't press_.'

Jennie: '_… Okay, we will try._'

* * *

  
  


Jennie is fidgeting with the hem of her blouse, as she has been for the past twenty minutes. The repetitive motion isn't the most annoying thing, what irks her is that she doesn't seem to be able to stop.

She sneaks a glance at Jisoo, who's slouched on the corner of the couch, phone in hand, game sounds coming from it. Then at Rosie, who's sitting in their hamburger puff, a book cradled on her lap. Jennie brings her wrist up to look at the time, barely noticing that in the absence of her blouse-fidgeting, her leg starts to shake up and down instead.

“How long until she's home?” Jennie asks no one in particular.

Chaeyoung gives up on her book and sighs. Jisoo is the one who answers.

“I just asked her, 10 minutes.”

“Shouldn't we discuss a plan or something? About how we will talk to her?” Jennie asks anxiously.

After the decision to talk to Lisa about her strange behavior had been made, it was equally agreed between the members that it should happen soon. So, here they sit, no more than 12 hours after the choice was made, waiting for Lisa to return from her schedule for the day.

But Jennie has a bad feeling about this. After all they talked about the day before, she stopped to try and remember what it was like for her to help Lisa through something hard before – a breakup, an unrequited crush, a big loss of some kind – and realized there have been few instances in which Lisa went through something majorly bad, and fewer still in which she chose to let her members help her through it.

Then Jennie realized it was not because Lisa hasn't been through hard times; she has, Jennie intellectually knows that, can even remember instances – a cousin of hers died while they were still trainees, she had to spend over 8 months without seeing her parents at one point after debut, she had to report a fellow trainee to management for harassment, etc – but Lisa always seemed to shake it all so quickly. Even at her lowest, it took usually no more than days for her to bounce back into her bubbly, energetic self.

Which begs the question: what could possibly be going on with Lisa that's serious enough she can't shake it after apparently months of struggling with it?

Jennie doesn't like it at all. Which is why she's itching for a gameplay, some kind of guide, a strategy.

Jisoo is having none of it.

“No plans. It will be a nice, open talk, okay? We will just tell her what we talked about yesterday, and how we feel about it.”

“I'm nervous too, unnie.” Chaeyoung consoles. “But I don't think we can plan for the kind of conversation we need to have.”

Jennie lets out a resigned breath.

“I know… It's just, what if it's really serious?” She doesn't like how worried she sounds.

Jisoo abandons her mobile game and her corner of the couch to scoot closer to Jennie and wrap a comforting arm around her shoulders.

“If it's serious, we help her deal with it.” She says simply.

“What if she doesn't let us?” Jennie insists.

Chaeyoung answers this time.

“I think we all need to have faith that Lisa knows what is best for her, even if it's not what we think it is.” She sounds confident and hopeful.

But Jennie can't help but remember how Lisa used to spend 16 hours a day working non-stop as a trainee. She would skip meals sometimes, stay in the dance room for 4 hours after the lesson was over, work and work until she was the best at every single class.

Jennie worries self-preservation isn't one of Lisa's many abilities.

However, she's stopped from voicing further doubt by the jingling sound of the lock being open. Lisa's arrival in the house is introduced by heavy boots and the crinkling of bags. Jennie guesses she bought snacks.

With rising anxiety, she hears Lisa stomp her way towards the living room. The three of them sit still and rigid. Despite Jisoo's and Chaeyoung words, both seem nervous as well.

“Oh, hi.” Lisa's voice sounds tired. She gives Jennie a small smile when she looks, before frowning. “Why are you all sitting in the living room with the TV off?”

Jennie feels like her limbs have been frozen and her tongue is stuck to the top of her mouth. To her relief, Jisoo answers.

“Lisa, can you please sit down? We need to talk.”

The youngest seems both surprised and worried at that, eyebrows raising to almost be covered by her always-present bangs. Regardless, she walks closer, dropping her snack-bag by the wall, and gracelessly sits on the now vacant corner of the couch Jisoo had abandoned.

“What's up? You guys are acting weird.”

“We are acting weird because you're acting weird.” Jennie blurts out. Jisoo gives her a reproaching stare.

“What Jennie means is that we've noticed some things we need to talk to you about.” Chaeyoung says diplomatically. “How are you? How have you been?” The blonde girl asks softly.

Lisa frowns.

“I'm fine, guys. Nothing happened. I-I don't understand.” She says, expression confused and hesitant.

“Lisa, we all have seen and felt like you've been pulling away from us for a while now, and we don't like it.” Jisoo explains, less diplomatically than Chaeyoung.

“You barely spend any non-working time with us anymore.” Jennie states, hurt but trying not to show it on her face. She knows she fails as she watches Lisa's expression morph from confusion and bewilderment to something heavy and… defeated.

Jennie forces herself to keep speaking anyway.

“Your door is always locked. You never have lunch with me when I ask. You don't really talk to me anymore, unless I force you to.” She stops, feeling her throat starting to close up. She doesn't want to cry before they even really start talking. Truthfully, Jennie isn't even sure why she's just so… hurt by this.

“And it's like that with all of us, Lisa.” Chaeyoung continues, lines on her forehead making it clear she is as unhappy about the situation as Jennie is. “Last week you were gone for four days, and on the days you were here, you had one meal with us. Every time I've asked you to go out with me, or watch a movie, or order something, you refused. It's not that you don't always want to do things that worries me...”

“It's that you never seem to want to do anything with us, anymore.” Jisoo finishes. While her words may seem harsh, they are delivered in a soft, kind tone.

Still, Lisa flinches as if struck, eyes closing and limbs becoming still and rigid.

“It's not that I don't want to...” Lisa's voice is weak, her eyes stay closed.

“Then what's it, Lisa? We want to help, we won't judge you, we all know something is going on.” Jennie says, body leaning forward towards the girl, yearning for an explanation, a reassurance, some kind of light to guide her.

Shocked doesn't begin to cover what she feels at Lisa's next words.

“But you will judge me.” Her eyes open at last, glassy with unshed tears. “I don't want you to know and see me differently.” Lisa's voice sounds completely different from her normal sweet tone; it sounds fearful and... bitter.

“But Lisa, things are already different.” Chaeyoung is the one who argues, anguish in her face. “It has been different for a while now, and I don't want it to stay like that. I promise, I promise you that short of you having killed someone, there's nothing in this world that you can tell me that will make me love you any less.”

Jennie feels an out of place pang of envy. She wishes she could speak like Chaeyoung in such hard moments. But Jennie is just… awkward, she never knows the right words to say. When it matters, when it feels like it's the most important for her not to be quiet, silence falls over her like a heavy, suffocating blanket.

She forces herself to get it out, something that has been lodged in her throat for longer than she would like to admit.

“Lisa, I'm hurt that you don't trust me, us. I'm...” It's hard to speak for a moment. “I love you, we all do. You're our family. I think even if you did kill someone, I would support you regardless. It hurts me that you are pulling away, still.”

Lisa's expression is so, impossibly sad as she hears Jennie's words that the brunette wants to look away. But she doesn't, she looks into Lisa's eyes until the youngest is the one who glances away.

“We don't want to pressure you. If you put your foot down and say we don't need to know, we won't press anymore.” Jisoo comes in, voice reassuring but expression full of worry. “But we had to say something, together. You have to know we love you, that we could never treat you different or think any less of you for anything. Please let us help.”

The oldest member is the one sitting closest to Lisa, and she scoots now away from Jennie to where Lisa seems to be trying to make herself smaller, flush against the arm of the couch with shoulders hunched and looking at her lap. Jisoo slowly takes her hand and squeezes between hers.

“You won't ever look at me the same way.” Lisa's voice is quiet and resigned. Jennie's heart feels like it's being squeezed through a straw when the youngest finally cracks and starts crying. Jennie rises from her spot, moved by an unknown but powerful force, and crouches by the edge of the couch where Lisa sits. She takes her other hand.

“Lisa, I don't know what it is that has you so convinced of that. But I need you to trust me.” Jennie says. “Look at me.”

With some reluctance and wet eyes, Lisa does.

“I love you, no matter what.” She tells her with all the faith and strength in her heart. Lisa's eyes sparkle in response, something Jennie can't identify going through them, a shadow and a light.

She can see in the corner of her vision when Chaeyoung moves to sit on the arm of the couch. She rests a light arm over Lisa's shoulders and bends down to speak near her face, voice quiet but clear.

“I need you to let me help you, Lisa. I can't take seeing you like this anymore.” She confesses. “I'm always sad when you are. I don't want to be sad anymore.”

Lisa takes in a shuddering breath. Jennie's chest is tight and her eyes burn, she just wants to cry and never stop, but she bravely holds it back because this moment is about Lisa. She can see the cracks forming in the way Lisa can't hold her tears anymore, in how she looks each of them in the eyes for a millisecond before glancing away, in how her sweaty hand squeezes Jennie's.

“I-I'm...” Lisa's voice completely fails her, all the girls lean forward to try to hear her better. “I'm gay.”

“Oh.” Jennie lets out.

Silence. Lisa lets a sob escape. Jisoo is the first to speak, and when she does, it's with such power and strength it makes everyone else jump.

“What?!”

The youngest girl looks at her, eyes wide with surprise and trepidation. Jisoo's mouth opens and closes as if she's chewing on her words, not knowing where to start.

“I could smack you, Lisa. God!” Lisa's eyes widen at her tone and words.

“Hey!” Chaeyoung protests, frowning towards Jisoo.

“Sorry, sorry, I don't mean that! It's just, god Lisa. You being gay is just...” She takes a deep, calming breath. “So okay. Totally fine. Completely not an issue at all! And it makes sense too, how didn't I think of it?”

Jisoo's expression becomes thoughtful, as if she's going over a logical problem in her head, analyzing the solution to make sure it fits. “Oh, so that girl in Tokyo, at the mall, was she your…?”

Lisa blinks, nonplussed. 

“My ex, yes. We had a… bad breakup, I guess.”

Chaeyoung interrupts their interaction by putting a hand on Lisa's face to turn it towards her.

“I have just one thing to tell you.” She's serious, but then an impossibly soft, loving smile stretches on her face. “You are perfect Lisa. I love you always.” And she leans down to firmly hug her friend, who stays still in her arms for a few surprised moments before returning the embrace.

Chaeng, of course, starts crying. When they pull slightly away after long moments in each other's arms, Chaeyoung holds Lisa's face with both hands in a mimicry of an action they have all suffered and secretly – or not so secretly, in Rosie's case – enjoyed from Lisa throughout the years, and spreads various soft kisses all over her face; one on each cheek, one on her forehead, two on the sides of her eyes.

Jennie would feel the urge to look away from such an intimate interaction if they were anyone else. As it is, she watches them and feels as warm as she would if she were the one doing the kissing or being kissed.

When the blonde girl finally lets Lisa go, the younger girl looks positively dizzy and bewildered, but not nearly as sad anymore.

Jennie squeezes Lisa's leg where she can reach it, calling her attention. She looks into her eyes with all the confidence and truth of her core, all she knows and can never deny to herself or anyone else.

“I love you, Lisa. No matter what.” She states. Lisa watches her, quiet and intense, but Jennie can feel when a shiver goes through her. “But even if I didn't, this would never change what I feel. I'm glad you told us.”

She rises just enough so that she can lean down and hug Lisa, who instantly wraps her arms around Jennie and pulls her down until she's sitting on her lap. Something they have done many times before, something they all have done in every single combination. And it's not any different now that they know Lisa is gay. In a way, it's even better… The trust and love they have is made stronger for having gone through what it did.

Jennie kisses Lisa's cheek and feels wetness, though she doesn't know from whose since she's crying as well. Still, she pulls away to wipe Lisa's tears and smile down at her.

Between Chaeyoung and Jennie, Jisoo has to fight for some space to put her arms around Lisa as well.

“Lisa, you're so silly. I'm a little offended you thought I would react badly to you being gay; though I guess I did, didn't I? But it's just because it's such not a big deal and of course I'm fine with it.” Jisoo explains as she rests her head on Lisa's shoulder, who cranes her neck and looks at her with nothing short of adoration. A smile stretches on the younger girl's lips at Jisoo's words, and Jennie feels warm seeing it.

The oldest continues, voice lowering and deepening suddenly.

“I love you a lot too, you know. Always will. The only thing that will be different now is that I will stop trying to set you up with pretty boys and start trying to get you to date pretty girls. Nothing else, not one thing, will be different.” She promises with complete conviction, eyes shining. When one, then two tears slide down her face and Jisoo joins them all in crying, the moment feels even more real. Their oldest, who never cries, does so now.

They stay there all four of them wrapped around Lisa and each other for a small, self-contained eternity that can never last long enough.

At last, Lisa speaks.

“I love you, too. All of you.” She looks at each of them in turn. “So much, you don't even know.” That same something from before shines in Lisa's eyes, but it's gone before Jennie can identify what it is. “I was afraid that things would be different. I guess I got so afraid of that, I made it happen without even having to tell you.”

A bittersweet smile stretches on her lips, before she continues.

“I'm sorry about what I've been doing. I… it was not on purpose. I just… hiding was getting too hard, and if I couldn't hide, I had to pull away.”

“Please, don't.” Chaeyoung blurts out. “Don't pull away from us, ever again. I need you, Lisa. You give the best cuddles.” She hugs Lisa again as if to prove her point.

Jennie understands the feeling 100%. Now that she is so close to Lisa again, feeling her warmth and breathing in her unique, sweet flowery scent, Jennie doesn't want to pull away ever again. Judging by the way that Jisoo – who is by far the least clingy of them all – is sticking to Lisa like a tick, it seems she feels similarly.

“I'm so happy.” Lisa's words come soft but clear. “I'm sorry I took this long to tell you.”

“I'm glad you told us now.” Chaeyoung mirrors Jennie's earlier words.

“Everything will be better now.” Jennie reassures.

“I have a very cute friend who I think would be great with you.” Jisoo's words should completely break the mood. But they don't, of course. They all share a light giggle, instead.

Lisa is held between them. Jisoo is being a dork. Chaeyoung is warm. Jennie feels complete.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys... I swear I'm not trying to mimic BP's comeback schedule with my posting rate. Pinky swear. But sometimes creativity is lacking and life gets in the way. I'm super happy I got this done, though, and have been feelingexcited to write about BP, so I think this time it will work! Also, comments help me a looott, with both ideas and motivation. Constructive criticism and compliments are always super welcome, but if you just want to tell me what you felt reading this, I will love it also ;D


	5. Chapter 5

The day greets Jisoo with a pale sunbeam gleaming lukewarm between the tiny gaps on her blinds, weak now that winter is in full bloom. She blinks herself awake slowly, unsurprised by the warm lump laying beside her, snoring so softly it could not even be called as such.

She hadn't heard Jennie coming in yesterday, perhaps because Jisoo had been so exhausted she was deeply asleep as soon as she hit the bed. Their talk with Lisa took a toll on them all, and there's a reason why Jisoo does her best not to ever cry. Such emotional moments can feel heavier than physical exertion for her, and Jisoo never claimed to be athletic in the least.

As she lays there, comfortable with the presence by her side and warm under the covers, Jisoo remembers the words exchanged and tears shed the evening before. Lisa had cried the longest, Chaeyoung stopped just before she did, Jennie as well. Jisoo managed five minutes of crying before her eyes where too puffy and she could feel a headache forming.

But it took even longer for them to untangle from each other. With soft voices, Jisoo, Chaeyoung, and Jennie inquired Lisa about what she told them.

“Since when did you know?” Chaeyoung asked, and Lisa answered with a truthful voice and vague words.

“Since I was 14.”

“How did you find out?” Jennie whispered tentatively.

“How did you find you are attracted to men? I just never felt anything for boys… not like everyone said I was supposed to.”

“What was your relationship with that girl, Minji, like? Why did you break up?” Jisoo ventured, the memory of how devastated Lisa had been when she saw that girl still haunting her.

“I loved her and I think she loved me, too. But things got in the way.”

With a clear, soft voice Lisa managed to answer all of their questions with honesty and shining, wet eyes. Still, there was something bothering Jisoo. Like an itch somewhere she can't reach, a buzzing sound that seems to have no origin, the same way it feels when she has something in her eye that she can't get out, a speck of stubborn dust determined to annoy her.

Aside from Minji, Lisa made no reference whatsoever of other women she had been interested in. After they had untangled enough to get take out and spread themselves around the coffee table with cartoons of Thai food, Jennie asked Lisa if she ever had crushes she couldn't tell them about, a light teasing smile on her lips hoping to make the girl comfortable to talk about it the same way they do about anything else. Lisa had frozen for a moment, chopsticks halfway to her mouth.

“I only ever dated Minji.”

Which was a perfect non-answer, though Chaeyoung and Jennie seemed happy enough to let it go, satisfied with the fact that Lisa was smiling again and bearing their presence.

But Jisoo frowns in her bed. Dalgom, who is a fluffy ball of fur lying by her feet, stirs when Jisoo moves to sit up. Jennie doesn't even twitches, not even when the older girl opens the bathroom door for Dalgom to do his business, then goes out of the room.

She makes her sluggish way towards the kitchen, feeling both like she slept too long and not long enough. Passing by Lisa's closed door, Jisoo slows down, something unnamed squeezing her chest.

A few months ago, Jisoo would knock when entering Lisa's room only occasionally, out of rarely found politeness. Most times she would just barge in as she does with her own family, as they all do with each other. But since recently, Lisa's door was always locked. Jisoo had to go through the motions of knocking, which wouldn't be terrible if she wouldn't also have to endure getting no answer or a refusal.

She lays a hand on Lisa's doorknob now and with a heavy heart, she turns it.

The door slides open easily. Her room is a mess, as it usually is, clothes strew on the floor and snacks open on her bedside table. Her curtains are partially opened, allowing the morning light to slide in and show it all in detail. Lisa sleeps in that peculiar way of hers, belly up with one arm over her head, face relaxed and peaceful, yellow pajamas crumpled and legs tangled with the covers.

Jisoo carefully closes the door again, chest light in a way she couldn't explain if she tried. As if she just found something dear to her after thinking it lost forever, something of which the absence hurt like a lost limb.

With lighter steps, she walks the rest of the way to the kitchen.

Chaeyoung is there, casually leaning against the counter and drinking out of a triangle coffee milk package. Jisoo immediately narrows her eyes at her, annoyed that the blonde keeps drinking her coffee milk.

“Morning, unnie.” Chaeyoung greets with serenity.

“Chaeng, why do you keep drinking my milk?” She asks.

“I know you buy extra because me and Lisa drink some. You’re not fooling anyone.”

Because it’s true and Jisoo has been buying extra of those for months now, anticipating some will mysteriously disappear from the fridge, she just makes a face at the younger girl and raids the fridge for a package of her own.

“Plus, you know anything in the kitchen fridge is _free real-state_.” Chaeyoung completes, mixing the American saying in her phrase. Jisoo is proud that she gets it immediately.

“Jendeuk will kill anyone who eats her fancy low-fat yogurt.” Jisoo retorts.

“I think no one wants to eat those, unnie.” Chaeyoung argues.

Jisoo tried one once because she was starving and they were the only thing left inside the fridge. She shivers at the memory. Jennie was mad at her for eating it, but truthfully the horrible taste the thing left stuck on her tongue was punishment enough.

Jisoo opens her package with a pair of scissors and takes a nice gulp.

“I think we should have a real breakfast today.” The oldest says, putting her milk on the counter and analyzing what’s available in the fridge.

Half a carton of eggs, strawberry jam, and not-too-old bread. She can work with that.

“We will need energy. Eggs, toast and jam, coming up.” Jisoo says, getting a pan from the cupboard and pushing the first slices of bread in the toaster.

Chaeyoung helps by setting the table and managing the toaster while Jisoo busies herself with making scrambled eggs for Lisa and herself and sunny-side-ups for Jennie and Chaeyoung. They have some intense rehearsing to get done throughout this week, the first international show of their new tour opens in ten days from now and they need to have everything polished and ready as soon as possible.

Plus, Jisoo is excited today Lisa will join them for breakfast.

Soon, there are enough eggs and toast for everyone, the table also occupied by a kettle with hot water for tea and a milk bottle. Jisoo knows Jennie is trying to get her caffeine intake down, and Lisa drinks only chocolate milk in the mornings. Sometimes she will drink Jisoo’s coffee milk, but that’s as far as she deviates from her set routine.

“We should wake the others.” Chaeyoung says, longingly glancing at the plate with the eggs. “I will get Lisa.”

She skips out, leaving their other member for Jisoo to awake. Jennie needs a little convincing to get up, but Jisoo has her own tricks. She has the brunette dragging her feet to the kitchen in five minutes, hair messy and eyes puffy. Lisa slumbers in similarly a few moments after Jisoo has Jennie sitting half-asleep on her chair. The way Chaeyoung has to pull Lisa by the hand gets a smile out of both Jisoo and Jennie.

“Morning, Lisa.” Jisoo greets her. “I made you scrambled eggs.”

“Thank you, unnie.” Lisa seems to blink herself to awareness, then awards her with a tentative, but real, smile.

Jennie shamelessly lets out a drawn-out yawn, which Chaeyoung mimics out of unconscious empathy since she’s looking energetic this morning. Lisa serves everyone their breakfast, leaving her own plate to be filled last. Jisoo is entertained by watching them, but soon becomes bothered with the silence.

“Did everyone sleep well?”

“I want to sleep for another ten hours.” Jennie grumbles, ignoring her plate of food in order to unlock her cellphone and, if Jisoo isn’t mistaken – she rarely is – check her messages.

“I slept great.” Chaeng informs.

“I had a good sleep.” Lisa says. “And you, unnie?”

Jisoo doesn’t waste the opportunity. She had the weirdest dream last night, one she knows will entertain Lisa and Chaeyoung if nothing else.

“Oh, I had this strange dream, you guys were all on it.”

“Ah, I wanna know, what happened?” Lisa prompts.

“Isn’t it bad to be in someone’s dream?” Chaeyoung wonders out loud but leans forward towards Jisoo.

“Depends on the dream.” Lisa says with more seriousness than the subject demands.

“I feel like I’ve heard somewhere that it can be a bad premonition.” Chaeyoung informs.

“Oh, I hope not.” Lisa answers.

“Do you want to know? So _shh_, quiet, okay?” Jisoo interjects, miffed that the girls don’t stop talking to each other.

She launches into her story, making it as theatrical as necessary. She’s rewarded when Lisa starts smiling almost right away, some of the tension Jisoo has seen laying on her shoulders this morning sliding off.

And it was a strange dream… She remembers it with unusual clarity. They were on stage singing a song she can’t remember anymore when Jisoo got an awful bellyache and felt like she needed to puke. She had to do it right there, it was so sudden. She was very surprised, though, when what came out of her mouth were flowers instead of, well, puke.

In dreamland, Jisoo remembers not thinking it was bizarre at all. The flowers were yellow roses, very pretty, and came out of her mouth clean and perfect, instead of covered in saliva and mushed as they should have. Dream Jisoo did not challenge the logic of it.

Chaeyoung had been singing near her, wearing angel wings and a crown. She turned to Jisoo and started laughing when she saw the older producing flowers non-stop. Soon, however, Chaeyoung choked on a giggle when two pink peonies came out of her nose, followed by a few more right after.

That’s when Jennie noticed the flowers and smiled wide. She ran to Jisoo, who was vomiting enough flowers to keep a florist shop running for a year, and started collecting the yellow roses spread on the ground. It was uncomfortable to keep spitting out the flowers, but it mostly just tickled Jisoo’s throat. And it was annoying that one always got stuck in her mouth when she tried to talk to Jennie.

The brunette was smiling at Jisoo and rejoicing in each new flower, but Jisoo was worried because the music was playing and she couldn’t sing. Jennie’s laughter was tinkling and heartwarming, but it was suddenly cut short when she coughed and coughed until she spat out a white flower bloom on her hand. It was an edelweiss flower, Jisoo knew the kind because it’s Lisa’s favorite.

Thinking about Lisa made Jisoo look at her. Their youngest was smiling at Chaeyoung, who kept gifting her the peonies that she coughed out. She was laughing, happily skipping around the blonde girl, occasionally picking up the yellow roses Jisoo had left behind. Jennie walked up to her and gave her one of her new edelweisses.

“It’s your favorite.” Jennie said, then coughed another one.

“Those are all my favorite flowers.” Lisa answered, a smile on her face.

“Jisoo’s yellow roses are so pretty.” Jennie breathed out. A flux of flowers forced her to stop speaking for a few moments. “Where are your flowers, Lisa?”

Jisoo opened her mouth to say something, but so many roses filled it that no sound came out.

“I had too many flowers once, Nini.” Lisa explained. “I had to get them removed.”

“Oh, did it hur-hurt?” Jennie was distracted by a flower that decided to come out of her nose instead of her mouth.

“It did, but it went away.”

“That’s too bad, Lisa.” Chaeyoung interjected, collecting hers, Jennie’s, and Jisoo’s flowers together in a beautiful bouquet. “Your flowers would make this complete. Look how nice it is! It just needs yours.”

Lisa pouted, then, much in the same way she does when Jisoo refuses to cut a mango for her.

“But I had my flowers for so long before you got yours!” She said.

“Can’t-can’t you get them back?” Jennie insisted, speaking with some difficulty now, so many white flowers were coming out of her mouth.

“Yes, uh, yeah Lisa, I bet-et your flowers are the prettiest ones!” Chaeyoung said, latching on Lisa’s arm for support as she bent down and let a flux of peonies fall on the floor.

Jisoo inhaled to speak and breathed in a flower instead. Coughing, she walked to Lisa and grabbed her hand. It started hurting, it felt like Jisoo breathed in a few petals with each breath. Lisa looked at her, eyes understanding.

“I know how that feels, unnie. It’s okay, the flowers are pretty but we need to get rid of them, so we can sing. You can’t sing if you are spitting flowers.”

Jisoo shook her head, but Jennie said what she was thinking.

“But-but I don’t want to.” She coughed. The floor was a mess of beautiful pink, white, and yellow flowers. It made Jisoo both sad and happy to look at.

“You just-just need-” Chaeyoung was forced to stop speaking so she could spit out a dozen of peonies. “To get your flowers back. We will be fi-fine then.”

Dream-Lisa looked at each of them, frowning.

“But if I get flowers, you will lose yours.” Lisa explains as if the situation makes all the sense in the world.

Jisoo wants to say something, she isn’t sure what, but the stream of flowers coming out of her makes it impossible.

Right then, of course, Jisoo woke up, seemingly for no particular reason.

“So, did Lisa get flowers too?” Chaeyoung asks, in real life, leaning over the table in interest.

“I don’t know, I woke up.”

“Ah, that’s too bad, it’s interesting.” The blonde says.

Lisa sits, a frown on her forehead much like the one her dream counterpart had.

“Do you think that dream means something?” She asks.

Jisoo shrugs.

“If it does, I don’t know what.”

It’s then that she notices the way Jennie is curved over her cellphone, not having touched her breakfast at all.

“Jendeuk, what do you think?” Jisoo calls her attention.

Jennie looks up, expression blank as if she isn’t sure what to do with her face.

“What?”

“Didn’t you hear? Jisoo had a dream with us.” Chaeyoung explains.

“What happened?” Lisa asks Jennie, immediately picking up on the tension wafting from her, which Chaeyoung had been too distracted to notice and Jisoo was trying to approach with some care.

Jennie closes her eyes in the same way one would when thinking of something they did wrong and can not fix. She lays her cellphone on the table, the action inexplicably heavy.

“Dispatch released pictures of me and Jong-in meeting.”

“No…” Chaeyoung flinches.

Jisoo makes a face. They all knew it was coming, keeping occasional flings out of the media is usually easy enough, but Jennie has been on an on-off rollercoaster with Jong-in for a couple of months now, something was bound to leak.

But maybe not all of them knew, judging by the way Lisa’s forehead is furrowed in confusion.

“I thought you two broke up.”

“We got back together last month. I guess you didn’t know because, well…” Jennie doesn’t say it, but the way Lisa ducks her head in shame makes it clear she hears the ‘_you weren’t talking to me_’ loud and clear.

Chaeyoung lands a comforting hand on Lisa’s back, Jisoo scoots closer to Jennie and leans against her shoulder.

“The boss knows about it, it’s okay Jendeuk.” She consoles.

Jennie doesn’t seem consoled by that, looking down at her lap.

“I hope Blinks are okay with it.” She says, looking up at Jisoo. The worry on her face makes Jisoo wish she could control what people say, save Jennie the heartbreak.

“We have really cool fans. And if anyone isn’t okay with it, that’s not on you, unnie.” Chaeyoung states. Jennie nods and gives the blonde a small smile, but the creases on her forehead don’t go away.

“Jennie, it’s okay. No one has any right to judge your personal life.” Lisa tries to help.

“That usually doesn’t stop them.” Jennie answers, more bite in her tone than she likely intended.

But Lisa doesn’t flinch. She gives Jennie a small, saddened smile.

“I know. I’m aware that me telling you to not let that stop you from living your life is hypocritical. But I’m saying it anyway, because you have a right to be happy.” The earnest way with which she delivers the words entrances Jisoo. Lisa's eyes shine with something she can’t name when she looks at Jennie.

Their youngest member continues.

“You shouldn’t make the same mistakes I have, unnie. None of you.” Lisa looks at Chaeyoung, then at Jisoo. It’s strangely intense, the way Lisa is firm in what she’s saying, the depts of feeling swirling in her eyes when they meet Jisoo’s.

“I wish I was brave enough.” Jennie responds. “This is a shit-fest, I know it. It’s fine, I will get through it. I hope Jong-in is okay.”

“We have some time before we need to go if you want to call him.” Chaeyoung offers kindly.

Jennie nods and rises from the table, leaving the kitchen with quick steps. Chaeyoung looks after her worriedly, Lisa swirls her fork around her half-eaten eggs. Jisoo glances at Jennie’s untouched food and vacant spot and feels sad.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, please let me know what you think! There are many hints about where this story might go in this chapter, though it may or may not come into fruition.

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive criticism, as well as anything said respectfully, is always welcome!


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